


Hold On

by DramaticNia



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hospitalization, Hurt, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song: Hold On (Chord Overstreet), Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticNia/pseuds/DramaticNia
Summary: Loving and fighting,accusing, denying,I can't imagine a world with you gone...A story of Jeremy and Richard's relationship crisis based on the song 'Hold On' by Chord Overstreet.Would they be able to fix everything again,or it's just the time to say goodbye...?
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Hold On

Jeremy was out with a girl. _Again..._

He didn't think that Richard knew, but Richard knew about this habit of Jeremy's for the past four months. To an extent, he understood. Date and sex with girls had always been different for the taller man and Jeremy had been having sex with girls for a decade now. But he'd made a promise to Richard. The day he proposed to Richard on the younger man's 30th birthday, he'd sworn to him that he only wants Richard and nobody else.

But now?

Richard was done with it and he was going to confront Jeremy. _Tonight_.

**_Loving and fighting_**

**_Accusing, denying..._ **

"Had a good time tonight?" Richard asked.

Jeremy shrugged, not as casual as he'd have liked. Had it been anyone else, even James or Andy, it would've passed. Richard, though, is different. Richard is really observant and at the same time touchy, he notices every single thing, and Richard knows Jeremy better than anyone else.

"Not bad, had a couple of drinks. Yeah, it was alright."

"I'm not an idiot Jeremy. Please stop acting like I am." His voice is sort of empty sounding, even to his own ears.

Jeremy swallows hard, panic rising in him. He loves Richard, he does, but he's not real good at this whole relationship thing. "I don't know what..."

"You still smell like her, Jeremy." His voice is quiet enough Jeremy almost has to strain to hear. "A-and you always do. And I can't do this anymore." Richard's voice is small and trembling.

**_I Can't imagine a world with you gone..._ **

"Wha- Rich, no... You-Your're not leaving, right? I-I won't allow you to leave, because I.." ' _because I can't do this without you.'_ He wanted to say, but he never did. Jeremy has never been good with expressing his emotions towards Richard, no matter how much he loved the younger man. But he _really can't_. He can't continue living his life if he can't kiss Richard's rosy lips every now and then among all his preoccupations, if they can't do crazy car races on Top Gear track till dawn and before Andy gets back the next morning. And he definitely won't be able to continue Top Gear without Richard by his side, or without the younger man's sweet scent or bright smile to come home for.

**_The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of_ **

**_I'd be so lost if you left me alone..._ **

"Don't, Richard... _please_ , _please_ just don't do this." Jeremy's voice is low and his head is hanging.

Richard's made up his mind though. His heart hurts way too much to continue any of these anymore...

**_You locked yourself in the bathroom..._ **

Richard rises quickly and heads for the bathroom because it's the only place for some privacy, the only place to go to get away from Jeremy's strong presence. He catches his own eyes in the mirror, red-rimmed, tearful and full of hurt. His face is the picture of dejection and he can't look at it for one more second. He punches his fist right through it. The shard that sticks in his hand is large and deep and...

Now he knows how to end all of this misery... This way, Jeremy too would be free and much happier... No longer tied to his promises to Richard or the shiny rings on the fingers of both of them.

**_Lying on the floor when I break through..._ **

Crashing glass alerts Jeremy that something is wrong. He rushes to the bathroom door and knocks, "Richard? What happened? Are you okay?"

_No answer..._

Jeremy is beginning to panic now as he tries the doorhandle furiously, "Richard, please say something! What's going on?"

_Still, no answer..._

Jeremy then throws himself into the door once, twice, and then crashes through...

Richard is lying on the cold floor of the bathroom, curled up into himself in a fetal position - and Jeremy knows very well that Richard curls into a fetal position whenever he feels sad and insecure - and he's pale as a sheet, probably unconscious, with his both wrists covered in blood and a glass shard resting loosely in his hand.

"Richard!" His breath is caught in his throat, warring with his heart for the space. "No, no, no, no, NO! R-Richard, what did you do... what did you- oh God, God, please... Come on, Richard! wake up... wake up!" Jeremy screams as he lifts the smaller man, pulls him into his lap and embraces his small figure in his arms.

_Thank God, he's... He's breathing. Yeah... He's got a pulse Jeremy can feel it... Thank God...!_

**_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_ **

**_Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me..._ **

"Richard, Richard... you don't get to do this. You don't get to die and get rid of me that easily, you understand?" With shaking hands he pulls out his phone and it takes him entirely too long to dial 911.

"M-my fiance," he says thickly, "h-he has slashed his wrists. There's a lot of blood a-and... h-he's alive but... he..." Jeremy is saying, but when he looks down at where Richard's head is resting in his arms, he forgets all his words as he sees Richard blinking slowly, trying to keep his eyes open.

"H-hey, hey... look at me, baby hamster... it's not... i-it's not even that bad, okay? It's not that bad, Richard. Listen, y-you can... you can hold on for fifteen minutes, right, Richard?"

**_Hold on, I still want you_**

**_Come back, I still need you..._ **

"Sir..." the voice on the phone is hesitant, "We can't get an ambulance to your location for at least half an hour..."

"Bloody hell," Jeremy snaps, furious because how in the hell is a young boy suicide victim not a friggin priority, "cancel it. I'll drive him in."

**_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_ **

**_I swear to love you all my life..._ **

"Richard, I promise, I swear on my father's grave, if you just pull through this, I'll be better. Just a little longer, baby hamster, just a little longer, alright?"

_**Hold on, I still need you...** _

Jeremy then bridal-style-carries Richard to his car and sets him on the passenger seat of his car, careful and gentle but swiftly, then fastens the smaller man's seat-belt because like hell is he going to accidentally hurt Richard even more. He rips out of the parking lot, going hell-for-leather towards London and curses himself for picking a house on the countryside. He's going 75 mph in a 30 mph speed limit area, running stop signs, but he has to stop when he reaches a busy intersection and he takes the opportunity to grab his coat from the backseat to pull it over Richard's small figure. He's absolutely positive that he's never gonna make it in time...

**_Long endless highway, you're silent beside me_ **

**_Driving a nightmare I can't escape from..._ **

"I don't even know if you're listening," Jeremy says out loud as his head is resting on the steering wheel, Richard's lost consciousness again and he probably can't hear him, "I don't even know if you're real," Jeremy huffs a bitter laugh at his own statement, but once he was still a little kid, his mother had always said there were angels watching over people and right now he's really helpless. "But if you are, God or guardian angels, or whatever else... you gotta help me. You gotta save _him_. because he's the _only_ thing that I want from this whole fucking universe." Jeremy's voice breaks at the last sentence...

**_Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading..._ **

He's feeling shaky and light-headed but he can't go into shock, not now, not until they reach the hospital and they're fixing his little hamster...

**_Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones..._ **

They've made it now, then Jeremy reaches one shaky hand out to feel Richard's pulse. It's weak and slow but it's still there and they've arrived.

Jeremy lifts Richard up and carries him again like he's something fragile and rushes in through the emergency doors. He yells that Richard needs help, needs it now and keeps him tight in his arms, even as orderlies rush their way with a gurney.

**_They took you away on a table_ **

**_I pace back and forth as you lay still..._ **

**_They pull you in to feel your heartbeat_ **

**_Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me..._ **

"Don't leave me here, Richard. Please, please don't do this... _please_ ," Jeremy desperately begs as he follows the gurney on which Richard's cold body is being wheeled away, his breath hitches and his eyes are burning as hot tears trail down his face. Soon the nurses take Richard to the emergency room and ask Jeremy to stay out while they try to help his fiance.

Jeremy starts to pace anxiously behind the closed doors as he whispers " _please don't leave me alone in this shitty world, Rich._ " over and over again, hoping for Richard to somehow hear him through their bond or whatever.

A few long hours - which felt like decades to Jeremy - passed with Jeremy seating on an uncomfortable chair in the cold corridor, staring at Richard's blood on his hands and shirt. he was keeping his head between his hands and tapping his feet frantically on the floor, when finally a nurse came out of Richard's room.

"Mr. Clarkson?" The nurse approaches him and touches his shoulder, Jeremy looks up at the nurse with puffy bloodshot eyes. "We stabilized him, so now you can see him if you want to." But Jeremy is already on his feet before the nurse's sentence is over and he heads towards Richard's room.

Richard was asleep when Jeremy stepped into his hospital room. The young boy had his head turned towards the window, his beautiful but pale face peaceful as if nothing had happened. Jeremy wiped his eyes frantically as they began to water at the sight of his fragile fiance's body on the white sheets almost lost between the machines and wires connected to him.

He wasn't going to cry. He was already too tired of long hours of nonstop crying.

He stepped forward, walking to Richard's bedside where a chair had been conveniently placed. The sun was beginning to rise, casting a warm blanket of orange light as the city began to wake. "Hey, Richard," Jeremy said quietly, taking his fiance's cold delicate hand in his own, holding it gently. "You gave me quite a heart attack last night, baby hamster," Jeremy said as he brought Richard's hand to his lips, lingeringly kissing it as he closed his eyes to concentrate on memorising the softness of Richard's hands. "I love you Richard. And I have no idea what I would do without you. So you gotta hang on, okay? Can you do that for me?" Jeremy asked, his eyes still closed in attempt to keep his eyes dry. He opened his eyes and looked down at the hospital bracelet wrapped loosely around his fiance's skinny wrist.

 _'Richard Hammond'_ It read.

_'Date of Birth - December 19, 1978.'_

_'Gender - Male.'_

_'Age - 30.'_

_'Hospital Identification # - 12297438.'_

_'Date of Admission - March 9, 2008.'_

Jeremy sighed and looked past the bracelet quickly, glancing at the bone that jutted from Richard's wrist. Jeremy's breath hitched as he noticed for what felt like the first time how skinny Richard has quickly became! And Jeremy's heart broke...

"I need you to hear me, Richard. You ... You're all I have in this whole universe and all I ever wanted from this life. I've been childish and selfish and a fucking idiot, yes, but I swear to God that you are the only thing that I want." Jeremy sighed as he tucked the soft strands of hair on Richard's face behind his ear, "I... I _really_ love you, Richard," Jeremy whispered once more, "You're going to live a long life with me, right? You're going to see me completely bald or maybe with only a few white strands of hair on my head and we're going to celebrate our 60th marriage anniversary!" Jeremy said with a bitter smile on his face as he wiped frantically on the tears that escaped his eyes, his gaze still fixed on Richard's delicate face trying to memorise all his soft features; then he takes Richard's hand, kisses the back of it, then turns it over and kisses his slender fingers, takes it in both his hands and leaves his lips remain against Richard's knuckles. "I'm gonna be better, Richard. I promise you, I'm gonna fix this. It's what I do, right, I wanna take care of you. I'm gonna fix us; _I will_." he promised as he played with the ring he himself had slid into Richard's finger.

**_Hold on, I still want you_ **

**_Come back, I still need you..._ **

**_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_ **

**_I swear to love you all my life..._ **

**_Hold on, I still need you..._ **

"Anyway," he bites his lip sharply and sniffs, "they stitched you up... And got you on fluids. y-you've lost a lot of blood, Rich, God... there was so much blood." Jeremy sniffs again, his head hurts as he remembers all the blood on the bathroom floor and on his and Richard's clothes. "So, now, all you gotta do is just wake up, baby hamster. I will not make it without you, Richard, and you know that. I can't. If you die, I'm just going to follow you, you hear me?" Part of him wishes he could say this to Richard when he's awake, but that's just not who he is, even if it's inside him. "I'm not strong enough to do this without you, Richard, okay?" and Jeremy had never felt such a sharp pain in his whole life before.

**_I don't wanna let go_ **

**_I know I'm not that strong..._ **

It's been seven hours since he rushed through that door; six hours and fifteen minutes since they made it to the ER; five since they let him in. And God but he misses Richard's voice, he misses Richard's constant chatter, his endless cheerfulness and his bright smile that always makes Jeremy's day. He wants them-- it's all he wants.

**_I just wanna hear you_ **

**_Saying, "Baby, let's go home"..._ **

**_Let's go home_ **

**_Yeah, I just wanna take you home..._ **

"Just... just give me one more chance, Rich... only one more time, I want to hear your voice again, hamster... calling me out, saying, “Jeremy, let’s go home.” like you always do. I just want to take you home and just embrace you all night long as I kiss you and listen to your giggles and to every single word that you say... I wanna listen to your steady heartbeat.. to your soft breathing..." Jeremy shakes his head as he huffs a bitter laugh at all the memories coming to his mind, and he wipes at the tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry, Richard..." And Jeremy can't help but let himself cry again. Even by _thinking_ of losing Richard, Jeremy's whole world comes crashing down around him... "I can lose fucking _everything_... but _not you_... oh God... _not you_!" Jeremy says with a trembling voice between silent sobs and hot tears.

**_Hold on, I still want you_ **

**_Come back, I still need you..._ **

"...J-Jeremy?..." And Richard is the only one who can rebuild Jeremy's world as fast as he can destroy it, only by calling his name.


End file.
